#769
Okay, jokes over. Let'e get PM!!!11!!
Date: 10/06/2001
From: Rimferatu
<Rimmi unlocks a steel safe and out comes her secret weapon, her trained hobgoblin.>
Rimmi: Go to PhairlyOblivious and kill him with his most desired wish!
<The hobgoblin sneaks into an alcove behind PM and suddenly PM is dressed like a streetwalker; fishnets, REALLY short skirt and leather halter top with a long blonde wig. A car pulls up next to him.>
PM: What's your pleasure, sugar.
<car window rolls down and it's Jack Palance>
Jack: Do you frenchkiss?
PM: Honey, I go all the way.
Jack: Oh baby, let's get out of here!
<PM gets in and drives off with the hobgoblin hanging onto the back fender. Rimmi goes to vomit after what she's just witnessed.>
#770
Yes!!! Test was 100% Successful!!!
Date: 10/07/2001
From: PharaohMobius
[PM] I have succeeded where my old college roommate, Clay Forrester, has failed! I've created a film so horrible and awful, it causes immediate physical illness and loss of will to live! My trial run on Rimmer shows that it's an unequivocal success!
[Nabut] WhoahwhoahWHOAH, hold on, my liege. According to Rimmer, that was a Hobgoblin-induced hallucination.
[PM] That's what *she* thinks. Don't forget, I've long ago developed a tolerance to all hallucinatory effects, including Hobgoblins.
[Nabut] Due to your "extracirricular" activities in college?
[PM] Yeah, we used to catch Hobgoblins all the time; pop 'em in the ol' bon-- that is, the combustion chamber, and you were good for *days*!
[Nabut] That's all well and good, but it doesn't explain why you appeared in that little filmstrip as a prostitute who was picked up by Jack Pallance.
[PM] Hey, it was disturbing, right?
[Nabut] Well, DUH!
[PM] Need I say more?
[Nabut] Yeah, I think you-- [PM pulls a nasty-looking zap pistol on Nabut.] No, my liege. Nothing more need be said.
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Friends don't let friends smoke Hobgoblins!
Sarcophagus!
#771
Alan Hale appears at MST Gardens
Date: 10/07/2001
From: Mick_or_Treat
Mickey: No, no, wait...I'm 100% sane. See? (pointa to big red tatoo on his left hand that says "sane").
Alan Hale: Well, let's see. You were rescued by Hercules and got in a fight with a once popular daytime talk show host. Yes, sounds like the actions of a sane man. Except...
Mickey: Except what?
Alan Hale: See, I just found the body of the once popular daytime talk show host Shine Your Love Chick floating in the MST River surrounded by what appears to be tomatoes.
Mickey: Well, that's too bad. Wait, what are you trying to say???
Alan Hale: That I'm going to arrest a certain tomato growing and throwing suspect.
Mickey: Okay. Ortega, someone's here to see you. See, he's the one who grows the..(Alan Hale slaps handcuffs on Mickey) Wait, no. I may be misunderstood, but I swear I'm not a murderer. I've been framed. I bet it was one of Pharoah Toys R Us' henchmen. Or maybe...(Alan Hale leads Mickey into his car)
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Big Fraidy Cat
Vows to find the real killers.
#772
How does MaraohPhobius escape all my
Date: 10/07/2001
From: Rimferatu
evil plans? I don't get it! He's immune to Hobgoblins. Come to think of it Jack Palance shouldn't be immune... right?
<Rimmi follows the action with her special Hobgoblin cam- a little helmut fixed on the hobgoblins head.>
Jack: I'm feeling strange... like I'm hosting a TV show again... <Suddenly there's a camera on him. He begins to speak to PM as if PM is the audience.> In MSTBlanca there lives a Pharaoh who walks and talks and lives in modern day. Hard to believe? He's right here in front of me. Believe it or not. <Suddenly Jackie has a major case of the wigs [Rimmi has seen too much Buffy lately] and Jack jumps on top of PM and starts beating him senseless.) YOU BETTER BELIEVE OR I'LL BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU, YOU MORON! YOU KNOW WHAT? PEOPLE NEVER BELIEVE ME AND SO HELP ME IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME I'LL PUMMELL YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!!!!
#773
<Lita is watching a TV...>
Date: 10/07/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<...through the window of a nearby electronics store. The news is on.>
Lita: Oh no! Sheriff Hale has arrested Mickey for killing that Shine Your Love Chick!
EM: So?
Lita: So? Obviously he's innocent! PM must be trying to frame him! We have to save him! 7
EM: No we don't.
Lita: We don't?
Rimmer: You know, Lita, he brought this upon himself.
Lita: Well, maybe he does deserve it, but...
Rimmer: No, I mean he really did bring it upon himself. Look, if he wants to write himself being arrested by that incompetent mouth breather, let him. We've got bigger fish to fry.
Lita: But I don't think--
Rimmer: I'll put it this way. Do you have the cash to post bail?
Lita: No... I was thinking maybe we could break him out of prison, you know, all dramatic and stuff!
Rimmer: We could be arrested.
EM: Besides, that's a lot of work.
Lita: Aw, come on Evil Mike! It's really, really illegal...
EM: That's true...
Ortega: Aw, let him rot. He's always trying to wash my clothes while I'm not paying attention. Wouldn't bug me so much if I had more than one set of clothes...
<Everybody lapses into silent confusion, wondering what exactly Ortega is implying. Several minutes pass. Finally...>
EM: What do you mean Mickey wrote it himself?
Lita
Freedom Fighter Extraordinaire
is determined not to explain
the concept of RP to Evil Mike
That would be cruel.
Buffy: Dummies have given me the wig ever since I was little.
Willow: Oh, what happened?
Buffy: I saw a dummy, it gave me the wig... It's not a very complicated story...
#774
Lita: *gasp* I thought of a plan!
Date: 10/08/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<Everybody looks at Lita in dull surprise.>
Lita: I did! I thought of a plan to get Pharaoh Mobius!
Evil Mike: But you never come up with plans.
Lita: Yes I do! ...Sometimes...
Rimmer: I thought your plan was to make me do all the work.
Lita: Well, I've got a new one now! And it's really good! So let's go back to my place, we can't put it into action from out here on the street.
Rimmer: But my plan is still going on! Jack Palance is beating the tar out of Furrow Feebius as we speak!
Lita: I know... but it'll take me a while to set this thing up anyway. He'll almost certainly have managed to foil your plan by the time mine is ready.
<Rimmer looks slightly insulted, and somewhat annoyed, but she doesn't say anything.>
Lita: Ortega?
Ortega: Errn?
Lita: Why don't you be a pal and break Mickey out of jail?
Ortega: Errn Ern!
<Ortega turns and shuffles off down the street.>
gramps: Do you suppose he's going to bust Mickey out?
Lita: I don't know. I didn't like the tone of that last set of Erns.
<Lita heads back to her house with Evil Mike, grandmapa, Rimmer, and the Lord Kinsey Figgybottom the Cow in tow. She makes several excited phone calls on the way. Once back at Lita's place, everybody is just settling in when the doorbell rings. Evil Mike answers.>
EM: Who the hell are you?
Guest: Hi! I'm Bob Vila!
Lita: Bob! There you are! Good to see you! All the tools are in the garage.
Bob Vila: <To Evil Mike, not Lita.> That's good. Are the blueprints out there too? <Evil Mike shrugs.>
Rimmer: What's he here for?
Lita: He's going to build me something!
Rimmer: Something to do with your plan?
Lita: Of course!
Rimmer: Just making sure. What's he building?
Lita: You'll see!
Rimmer: Hey, Bob, need any help with the construction?
Bob Vila: <chuckles in his characteristic jerky, all-knowing fashion> Not from you, Missy. You're a girl! And as all good craftsmen know, girls don't know how to use tools. Why don't you go do your makeup and talk with Miss. 9000 about boys?
Rimmer: *under her breath* Oh I don't know, I think I can swing a hammer pretty well...
<Rimmer starts to advance on Bob, but Lita holds her back.>
Lita: *quietly, so Bob can't hear, not that he'd listen anyway* Don't hit him yet! We need him! At least wait until he's done building the SM-2160!
Rimmer: What's the SM-2160?
EM: It sounds dirty...
Lita: You'll see what it is when Bob's done. Bob, weren't you heading out to the garage?
Bob Vila: <To Evil Mike.> Yes, I suppose I'd better get started. I hope you have a good supply of Craftsman Tools from Sears.
Lita: We do, and you'll find the blueprints out there too. If you need anything that isn't there, there's a Sears at the local mall. And if you need more wood, there's a Lumberjack down the road. Lucky us, they're having a Going Out of Business Sale.
Bob Vila: <Again, to Evil Mike, not Lita.> All right. I'll get to work then! This shouldn't take too long!
Lita
knows what Bob Vila's building
but you'll have to wait at least a little while
to find out what it is.
#775
Revenge will be MINE!!!!
Date: 10/08/2001
From: Invader_DIB
PM is an alien and I can prove it!
#776
[Meanwhile...]
Date: 10/08/2001
From: PharaohMobius
[Rimmer is seriously P-o'ed at Bob Villa's crass chauvanism, and decides to go home.]
[Rimmer] Hmmmmph! What a jerk! I'm putting him on my revenge list right under Scarecrow Flowbius! [She walks by the limosine where Jack Palance is still beating the stuffin' out of PM.] Ha! At least *my* revenge is still going well! And I didn't need STUPIDY STUPID BOB VILLA to make *my* plan work! HA!
[Rimmer gets home, makes herself a nice mug of hot chocolate, and watches tonight's episode of Angel.]
[Rimmer] Stupid belly button commercial! Why can't they write any intelligent commercials?!? Oh goody, Angel's back on.
[Darla, on Rimmer's TV] That's right, Angel, our baby's going to be a yamaglonche! We have spawned a vaguely Europey MesoAmerican werewolf!
[Rimmer] What th--?!? Cherio Tobleronius was right? But that doesn't make any sense!
[Angel] No, it can't be! I refuse to believe that I fathered a wurwolf!
[Darla] It's true! Now you have to marry me in order to stop it!
[Angel] But Darla, I can't! You see... I LOVE RIMMER!!!!!
[Rimmer] Huh?
[Angel] Yes, Rimmer! Will you marry me?
[Rimmer] Why, I... don't know what to say...
[Angel] Say yes! [Angel climbs out of the TV, and they kiss. Rimmer opens her eyes after the kiss, to see that Angel has turned into prop comic Carrot Top. Rimmer screams.]
[Carrot Top] C-A-L-L A-T-T!
[Rimmer sits bolt upright, safe in her own bed. The TV has gone to late night infomercials.]
[Rimmer] Phew! Thank God it was just a dream!
[Carrot Top climbs out from under the covers.] OR WAS IT?!?!?
[Rimmer pulls out a clown hammer and beats Carrot Top senseless.]
[Meanwhile, PM is still getting pummeled by Jack.] Ouch! My plan- Owie!!! Worked perfectly! Owie, stopit!
TmPM
Wow, Rimmer's plan is working well.
Maybe a little *too* well...
Sarcophagus!
#777
Outside a Wisconsin jail cell
Date: 10/08/2001
From: Mick_or_Treat
(Mickey sees Ortega outside the window bars)
Mickey: Hey Teggy!!! How's the wife?
Ortega: I'm not married. I'm here to get you out of here! (Ortega revs up a bulldozer he rented from Rowsdower's Pizza and Bulldozer Rental)
Mickey: No, Ortega, do...(crash, too late). You okay?
Ortega: I think my stomach tape loosened.
Mickey: You could've just used the door, you know. It's unlocked.
Ortega: Oh yeah....what?
Mickey: I've been freed. Turns out she wasn't dead, she was just sleepwalking and fell in the river. Old Sheriff Hale just threw some tomatoes at her. He's the one who tried to frame me.
Ortega: Why?
Mickey: Because I proved him wrong. I was sane. You don't prove Sheriff Hale wrong, that's against his sheriffy rules.
Ortega: You didn't prove him wrong, Hercules broke you out of the mental hospital. Anyway, come on, Lita's got a plan. And she's got Bob Vila!!!
Alan Hale: (comes to see what all the comosion is, of course he had to finish his pizza, that's why he's 5 minutes late) My jail, what did you do to my beautiful jail???
Mickey: Oh shutup. If Teggy didn't do it, some big ass hairy spider would have.
Alan Hale: True. Speaking of which, that young lady who you have a sick obsession with...
Mickey: That was Tork, remember?
Alan Hale: Yeah, right. "Tork", does she have a giant spider liscense? Because you can't operate one of those spiders in the state of California without a liscense.
Mickey: I'll make sure to check that.
Alan Hale: You make sure to do that, because I'm two days away from retirement.
(a giant spider, not Lita's, another one, crashes through the ceiling and shoves Alan Hale up it's butt)
Mickey: Huh. That always happens.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Big Fraidy Cat
After a hard days work always smells like he was shoved up a giant spiders butt.
#778
Of course I have a Giant Spider License!
Date: 10/09/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<Lita shows her license to grandmapa, who, as it happens, just asked her about Giant Spider Licenses completely by coincidence. (What, do you think she showed it to Mickey? He's in a jail in Wisconsin! She couldn't possibly have!)>
Lita: See? Think they just hand Giant Spiders out around here? A Giant Spider is a hard thing to hide illegally! This is the only way to do it.
gramps: Nice picture. What do you do when Spidey eats people? That can't be legal.
Lita: Oh, there's lots of paperwork, that's for sure.
gramps: Hey, think I could get a Giant Spider of my own, if I worked really hard?
Lita: No. You can't. The spider thing is my deal. Get your own weird-ass vehicle.
gramps: I don't want a stupid spider anyway... those things are scary as hell. Hey, what do you think Rimmer's up to?
Lita: Beats me. She looked pretty pissed when she left though.
<Just then, Bob Vila comes in, wiping his hands on a grease cloth.>
Lita: Hey, Bob! How's the SM-2160 coming?
Bob Vila: <To Evil Mike> It shouldn't take much longer now. I'm getting there.
gramps: Hey, I'm a guy. So's the cow. How come he only talks to Evil Mike about the project?
Lita: Well, you are wearing a dress. And Sir Twisted Sister is... a cow.
EM: <smugly> I'm the only real man here.
Lita: Hurry up, Bob. We don't have forever.
Bob Vila: Don't get your panties in a twist, Precious.
<Bob Vila heads back out to the garage, but not before giving Lita a swat on the fanny.>
Lita: Did he just... do that?
EM: Ha! The jokes on him! You don't have any panties anymore!
Lita: He's damn lucky I needed a chauvinist pig on the project for it work. But as soon as he's finished with the SM-2160...
gramps: You're going to kill him, aren't you?
Lita: If he's lucky.
EM: <his eyes light up> Can I help?
#779
Carrot Top In my BED!!!????!!! EW!!!
Date: 10/09/2001
From: Rimferatu
<Rimmi gets up from a night of bad dreams. She is pondering whether they were actually bad dreams or if PM had done this in some way. She checks her own bellybutton to make sure it's not singing. She then checks her hobgoblin cam to make sure PM is still being beaten and he is so all appears to be right with the world- except for the Carrot Top carnage. Rimmi picks up the carnage and decides to meet back up with Lita. Spidey would certanly eat the remains of Carrot Top.>
#780
<poining at Rimmer, laughing>
Date: 10/09/2001
From: pitchTork
"Rimer and Carrot Top sitting in a tree..."
"EEE-ville"
#781
Quit poining at me!!!
Date: 10/09/2001
From: Rimferatu
I can't take the preassure of people poining at me.
<pitchTork goes to bed and wakes up the next morning with Carrot Top's severed head next to him on the pillow!>
#782
Come to MSTHauntedHouse..
Date: 10/09/2001
From: Tork_110
Yes, bring the whole family to the place where MSTie women shake what there mother's gave them.
< Tina from Horror of Party Beach is stripping on stage.
Tork and Critter are mopping the floor off stage. >
Critter: So, what brings you here? Usually people who become janitors here are running from the law.
Tork: Well, I attacked a guy and his henchmen, I was accused of setting fire to his place, I was caught stealing a dirty video of the most beautiful gal in the world (sigh)... Oh, where was I? When they found a Sheriff stuck in a spider's butt, his only words were my name. Oh, and I think I may have killed somebody in my sleep.
Critter: Wow, you're lucky you haven't been caught . Well, I can't judge you because I'm a draft dodger. Sounds like you're in serious trouble.
Tork: Well, I would be except that it was Carrot Top that I may have killed, and when the police saw his head they said that they would drop all the charges.
Critter: Then why are you here?
Tork: After the police left, they found out about the poining incident I had with another woman.
Critter: WHAT??!!
< Critter knocks out Tork >
Will the newly opened MSTHauntedHouse put MSTblanca out of business.? Yes, but how long before that happens?
#783
[Lita] Shut up! He's almost in place...
Date: 10/09/2001
From: PharaohMobius
[Lita, Rimmer, Evil Mike, Grandmapa, Figgybottom the cow, and Bob Villa all peek over the rooftop, watching as PM walks toward the conspicuous target painted on the ground in front of Lita's house. Poised over the target is the infamous SM-2160...]
[PM, still battered and bruised.] Voo-dee-doo, voo-dee-doo... Huh? What's this target for-- AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!!111!!!!!
[The SM-2160 drops down from the roof and grabs PM in one of its giant wooden hands! It then lowers its paddlewheel-like apparatus down which starts smacking him on the hinder!]
[PM] Ow! OW! OW!!1! Quit it already!
[Lita] Woo-hooooooo! It works!
[Rimmer] A *spanking* machine, Lita? A *SPANKING* machine?
[Lita] Well yeah! What did you think SM-2160 stood for? "Spank Mobius", DUH!
[Figgybottom the Cow] I say, what does the 2160 stand for?
[Lita] Umm, that's not important now. What *is* important is that we're getting back at Schmaerow Joblovius!
[EM] If you ask me, it's kinda lame.
[Rimmer] Yeah! I mean, I already had Jack Pallance beating the crap out of him! This is kinda... *weak* by comparison!
[EM] But *spanking*? I thought it'd be "Smash Mobius", or "Splatter Mobius", or something cool. But SPANK?!?
[Lita] Well, he looked like he needed a good fanny-whacking to me.
[Rimmer] I did *not* want to know that.
[Lita] I don't care what you say! I'm glad I got my revenge on PM!
[EM] I wouldn't be too hasty saying that, if I were you.
[All] HUNH?!?
[EM] All is *not* what it seems! [EM pulls at the top of his head, revealing that his face is a cunning EM mask! And under that mask is...]
[All] Tarot Trombonius?!?!?
[PM] Yep, it's me.
[Rimmer] But how-? When-? Who the hell's that down there gettin' paddled?
[PM] That would be Paulie Shore, in a clever PM disguise.
[Grandmapa] So that means that he was the one who played you in your film that grossed Rimmer out!
[PM] Yeah, I was gonna kill him after production, so I woudn't have to pay him. But this has turned out to be a *lot* better than that!
[Lita] Say, where's the real Evil Mike?
[Evil Mike walks in, counting a tall stack of cash.] Oh, hi, Lita!
[Lita] Evil Mike! Are you telling me that PM bribed you and you've been counting the money the whole time Bob Villa was constructing the SM-2160?
[EM] And you're surprised by that?
[Bob Villa] So, sweet-cheeks, when are you going to pay me?
[Rimmer and Lita] We got yer payment RIGHT HERE!!! [They pull out baseball bats and start pummelling Bob.]
[Bob Villa] Ack! Warning! Warning! Error in subroutine 39030398, chickee!
[PM] Huh? That's not Bob Villa! [Runs over and pulls rubber Bob Villa mask off of... a robot?!?] Chauvanist-bot 1050! It was you all allong!
[Chauvanist-bot 1050] And - I - would - have - gotten - away - with - it - too, - if - it - weren't - for - those - meddling - broads!
[PM, holding a giant hoagie for no good reason.] And a cross-dressing, geriatric teenager named Grandmapa!
[Grandmapa eats the entire sandwich in one bite. PM gets a stupid, surprised look on his face, followed by an expression of minor irritation.]
[Grandmapa] Grampy-rampy-roooooo!!!!!
[All present laugh, including Chauvanist-bot 1050 and Paulie Shore.]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
I gave what I felt was enough time for you to
finish that thread, but you still hadn't
touched it. So this is what you get.
Hey, at least I didn't include Scrappy Doo...
Sarcophagus!
#784
Hey, you can't do that!
Date: 10/09/2001
From: Mick_or_Treat
Can you? I mean, I'm still stuck in Wisconsin, and...
Ortega: Mickey? We're back in the story, now.
Mickey: We are? That was fast.
Ortega: We drove all night. And Zap's gonna give me hell for all the miles I put on this bulldozer. Hey, a haunted house!
Mickey: NO.
Ortega: Aw, come on, you big fraidy cat.
Mickey: I've been saying "Big Fraidy Cat" since the beginning of the month. You're just now finding it out?
Tork: (comes to greet his guests) Don't worry, Mickey. It's one of "those" haunted houses.
Mickey: NO....OOOOOHHHHH! I like these haunted houses. You stay here, Ortega.
Ortega: Damn.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Do-gooder
Big Fraidy Cat
Did not want to be stranded in Wisconsin for the second time in this post.
#785
Hey!!!!
Date: 10/09/2001
From: Carmelita9000
It's not my fault I had to go git edjikated! There wasn't time to finish the story before class!
EM: Too bad for you, Lita. You're screwed.
Lita: No I'm not. Fortunately, the SM-2160 was secretly actually just a decoy for... The SM-2161!!!!!
Rimmer: Oh, Lita. That's really weak.
gramps: Even I feel ashamed of you. And I'm wearing a dress.
Lita: <Pulls out a baseball bat, and shakes it menacingly> Shut up!!! I'm feeling cheated here! Indulge me, you bastards!
Everybody: Fine, fine.
Lita: Ok! Here we go, the SM-2161, formerly known as the SM-2160.
<Lita walks over to a large object, covered by a sheet that nobody noticed before. Lita pulls the sheet off to reveal…>
Everybody: GASP!!!!
<longish pause>
EM: What the hell is that thing?
Rimmer: It looks like a 10-foot tall woman made from… wood?
Lita: Yeah! Isn't it great?
EM: Frankly, no.
Cow: Why is she holding a rolling pin?
Lita: Amazingly enough, spanking may be involved. I'd like to introduce you all to the Super Mom-2161!
EM: What? You spent all this time making us a mom?
Lita: She's not our mom, Moron. She's PM's.
<The Super Mom-2161 starts to move. She looks around, then starts talking in a voice that sounds strangely like Bob Vila speaking in falsetto.>
SM-2161: Oh my! What a lovely day! Where's my little Pharie-Warie?
Rimmer: Lita... this is evil some how...
<The SM-2161 sees PM, and rushes over to him. She picks him up and gives him a great big hug.>
PM: Ow! Not so hard! Can't breath! Oh! Splinters! Yow!
SM-2161: You're my big little man, yes you are, yes you are!
Lita: Like most mothers, she's perpetually convinced that he's about 2 years old.
PM: Stop it! You're not my real mom!
SM-2161: Watch your mouth, young man! I didn't teach you to talk to your mother like that! I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap! You'll call me Mommy and like it!
<The SM-2161 opens up a hatch in her stomach. She pulls out a hi-chair, and a bar of soap. She puts PM in the hi-chair, and puts the soap in his mouth.>
PM: <having trouble talking through soap> Aaagh! Mahmmee! Pftop it!
SM-2161: Such a temper tantrum! Children were never so unruly in my day! Such a naughty boy! No wonder your father left us!
PM: Aww, Mooommmeeeeee!
SM-2161: Say goodbye to your little friends, Sweety-pie!
<The SM-2161 grabs PM's wrist, and makes him wave>
SM-2161: Say "bye-bye!"
PM: Mommy...
SM-2161: Say "bye-bye" unless you want me to spank you in front of all these people!
PM: *grudgingly* Bye-bye...
Lita: See why I wanted it to be built by somebody who has issues with women? And it doesn't matter that Bob Vila turned out to be one of PM's stupid robots. I checked all the programming before I even turned the SM-2161 on, she'll work the way she's supposed to. Let's go inside.
<Lita, Evil Mike, Rimmer, grandmapa, and the cow all go back in. Lita turns on a TV.>
EM: I didn't know you got the Phoofoo Flabbius looking like an idiot channel. Hey, she put a bonnet on him!
Lita: We can monitor what's going on from here. The feed from the cameras in her eyes goes into here.
SM-2161: Oh... Mommy's sorry! Poor little Pharie-Warie! Mommy didn't mean to hurt your feelings! Let's go home! I'll give you a nice bath! You'll be my nice squeaky clean little Pharie-kins!
<SM-2161 gives PM another big, splintery hug and a kiss. Then she drags him kicking, screaming, and crying down the street.>
Lita: So. Revenge, eh? Hey, anybody know Bob Vila's real phone number?
Lita
It's my plot point,
I can do what I want!
Blah to you, Sparrow Spobius!
BLAH!!!!!!
#786
Well, I'll be batter dipped!
Date: 10/10/2001
From: Rimferatu
Rim: PM had me going for a moment there. Spanking machine. Sheesh. He stole your idea just because he couldn't be patient just like how he said I was angry and sent me home to be assaulted by Carrot Top and making Tork poin at me. If he thinks that writing a scene where we insult each other isn't bad than this must be! He stole your story and he will PAY for that!!!!! Join me in a hearty laugh!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!111!!!
#787
Aaack! Stop it, Mom!
Date: 10/10/2001
From: PharaohMonstrous
[The SM-2161 is attempting to burp PM over its wooden, splintery shoulder. PM's *not* having a good time with this.]
[PM] OW! OW!!! Stop it! STOP IT!
[SM-2161] Sounds like *some* little guy's cranky! Maybe he needs his diaper changed!
[PM] But I don't wear a diaper! No, wait-- NOOOOOO!!!!!!
[Everyone at Lita's house] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!
[Mrs. Mobius walks up.] Sutenhotep! Well, I never! I come back after visiting mother to find you cavorting with a giant wooden floozy! That's the final straw, mister! I want a divorce!
[PM] But honey, this isn't my lover, she's my mom!
[Mrs. Mobius] Oh, you're sicker than I thought! That's it, I'm getting my lawyer to make sure you pay DOUBLE child support!
[PM] But we don't have any kids!
[Mrs. Mobius] Oh, we will after I spend a little time in the artificial insemination lab.
[PM] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[SM-2161] Now now, junior. If you can't play nicely with your friends, I'm going to have to ground you!
[Everyone at Lita's house] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!
[Dr. F. walks up.] Mo, I... Oh, dear Lord! It's worse than I thought! Mo, I'm here from the Mad Science board to tell you that you've been dropped from the roster.
[PM] D-WHAT!?!?! I was Mad of the year for three years running!
[Dr. F.] That's as may be, but this is really too embarassing; it makes us all look bad. We're replacing you on the board with Doctor Poodlekicker.
[PM] DOCTOR POODLEKICKER?!?!? But he's a total feeb! He's not even a real doctor!!! What makes him a better Mad than me?
[Dr. F.] He's not *you*. [Dr. F. spits at PM, and walks off.]
[Everyone at Lita's house] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!
[PM] AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[SM-2161] Ooooh, someone's still hungwy! Time for more lunchy, wunchy... [SM-2161 raises PM toward one of its grotesque, wooden breasts.]
[PM] NO!!! I still have splinters from the last time!!!
[Everyone at Lita's house] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!
[PM starts hallucinating, having flashbacks to recent events (many as recent as this post!)...]
{{Lita: I did! I thought of a plan to get Pharaoh Mobius! }}
{{Rimmer: But my plan is still going on! Jack Palance is beating the tar out of Furrow Feebius as we speak! }}
{{[Mrs. Mobius] Oh, we will after I spend a little time in the artificial insemination lab. }}
{{[Grandmapa] Grampy-rampy-roooooo!!!!! }}
{{[Belly Button] o/` I'm comin' out! I want the world to know! o/` }}
{{[Dr. F.] He's not *you*. }}
{{[Everyone at Lita's house] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!1111!!!!!!! }}
{{[Carrot Top] C-A-L-L A-T-T! }}
[PM] NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!
[PM sits bolt upright in his bed, covered in a cold sweat. He looks around at the familiar surroundings of his bedroom and starts to calm down.]
[PM] *Phew!* It was just a dream!
[Carrot Top climbs out from under the covers.] OR WAS IT?!?!?
[PM whoops like Daffy Duck, pulls out a switchblade clown hammer, and beats Carrot Top to a bloody pulp!]
The mad Pharaoh Monstrous
How many times do we have to kill Carrot Top, anyway?
Sarcophagus!
#788
I'm afraid it's not that easy, PM
Date: 10/10/2001
From: Mick_or_Treat
You tried to strand me in Wisconsin. Now you've got me pissed off to. (Mickey takes one of those Port-a-Pet cages out of his car). Take this!
(Mickey opens the cage door, and the kids from Invasion of the Neptune Men start hounding PM)
Now, if you excuse me, I've got to go back to what I was doing (goes back into haunted house). By the way, Tork...can I move in?
Tork: Well...............no.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Do-gooder
Big Fraidy Cat
Believes it's always a good time to kill Carrot Top.
#789
HMPH!!1!
Date: 10/10/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Lita: Pharaoh Floobius Just-a-Dreamed me! He can't do that!!!11!!!
cow: Oh, get over it! That's just how these things go.
Lita: No it isn't! I never Just-a-Dreamed him! Let's see how he likes it! Maybe I'm the one who was dreaming him! Maybe it was in fact Phlabby Morkius who never existed!
==================
<Way off over in… somewhere else, Pharaoh Mobius is enjoying a grilled cheese sandwich.>
PM: Mmmm. Good sammich! *burp* Gah!
*blip*
<Pharaoh Mobius disappears into thin air. The sandwich falls to the floor.>
==================
Rimmer: Lita! Don't do that! It's no way to behave!
Lita: All right, all right. I was just upset. I'm sorry. I was just kidding. Pharaoh Mobius does exist after all.
==================
*blip*
<Pharaoh Mobius reappears from wherever it was he was just cast into, and shivers.>
PM: So cold…. Brrrr…. Hey! My sammich! <he picks the sandwich up from the floor> It's got hair all over it! When was the last time anybody cleaned this floor? Oh well. Five second rule. <he takes a big bite> Mmmm. Good sammich! *burp*
==================
Lita: The thing of it is, I remember the Super Mom too. We couldn't have both been dreaming. Either he's insane, or I am.
EM: I'm going to hazard a guess on both of you.
Lita: I'm thinking The Mother did, in fact, exist. He probably just set her on fire or something.
EM: That's the problem with building her out of wood.
Rimmer: He's one sick puppy. Setting fire to his own mother. Absolutely disgusting!
Cow: of course, you realize, you are just speculating that he did this. You have no proof of any kind, or even any reason whatsoever to believe…
Lita: Let's go get that mother hating bastard!
Rimmer: Yeah!
EM: About damn time!
Lita: Rimmer, call the other Rimmer. She's fought dinosaurs, I figure she could help us get PM.
Rimmer: Right! Hey, Lita?
Lita: What?
Rimmer: He's at home, right? So where does Potty Munculus live?
Lita: Uh… Gee, I don't know. MSTBlanca is in New Hampshire, or at least it was last time I saw it (the place moves around a lot). I don't know where PM lives.
Everybody: Hmm… <this revelation has taken the wind out of their sails>
EM: Not that not knowing where anything was ever stopped us before. Lita managed to run all the way to Australia not too long ago, and she can't even find it on a map.
Lita: Hey!
Rimmer: That's true…
Lita: HEY!!!
Rimmer: So let's go! What are we waiting for?
#790
[PM] Whoah whoah, wait a minute...
Date: 10/10/2001
From: PharaohMonstrous
[The whole Anti-PM Brigade is milling around out front of PM's house (man, they found it quick!), and they look pissed!]
[PM] I never said the whole SM-2161 thing was a dream! I was saying that my last *reply* was just a dream! Sheesh, lighten up!
[Lita] Oh yeah? Then what *did* happen, mister smarty-boots?
[Grandmapa] You just left the story after you woke up and beat up Carrot Top! You didn't even say how you got out of Lita's fiendish trap!
[Rimmer] Yeah! How *did* you get out of it, Flopadoodle Montanegro?
[PM] Oh, that? I just used my teleportation belt to get out, and then I put "mother" in a home. Well, actually, I built her *into* a home, but that's not important. The important thing is that that story wasn't nearly as entertaining as the surreal dream sequence I posted in its place!
[Lita] Okay, that was really weak.
[Figgybottom the Cow] Bad form, old moooooo-an.
[Rimmer] That was worse than the whole "SM-2160 was just a decoy" thing that Lita came up with!
[Lita] HEY!
[Figgybottom the Cow] She does have a point, moooooo-y dear.
[Lita] Can it, Bossy.
[Grandmapa] I still don't believe him.
[PM] That's as may be, but facts are facts. Look out back!
[All look out back to see a charming little guest cottage made out of the remnants of the SM2161. The only thing that betrays its origins is the chimney, which looks like one of her arms.]
[Lita] You managed to build an entire guest house out of a 10-foot wooden woman?
[PM] Well, part of the house, anyway.
[Mickey] That's pretty good craftsmanship, PM... HEY! I'm not stranded in Wisconsin after all!
[PM] You never were! You just weren't paying that close of attention!
[All share a hearty, cheesey TV laugh.]
[PM] Now, if you'd like to put your revenge plans on hold for a little while, I'm throwing a party at MSTBlanca tonight, and you're all invited!
[Rimmer] But why?!? All we've done is pick on you, except for the joke break!
[PM shrugs.] Eh, just to show there's no hard feelings.
[Lita] Will there be booze?
[PM] j00 |<n0\/\/ i7, c|-|ixx0r!
[All] HUNH?!?
[PM] Of course there will be!
[Grandmapa] I'm there, doods!
[All share another cheesey TV laugh.]
[Rimmer] You realize, of course, that we'll be back at it again when the party's over.
[PM] And I wouldn't have it any other way.
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Just movin' the story along
1337 54rc0ph4g|_|5!
#791
Lita: Wait a minute...
Date: 10/10/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Lita: You built part of a house out of your own mother? That's sick! That's the worst thing I've ever heard!
PM: Calm down. It's not like she's really my mother.
Lita: Ugh! You're a horrible son!
PM: Yeah... So are you coming to my party?
Lita: No way! Like I'd ever come to a party thrown by a sick monster like you!
gramps: Lita... there's going to be booze there!
Lita: There is?
PM: Uh… yes.
Lita: Well, why the hell didn't you say so? That changes everything!
PM: Actually I believe I mentioned--
Lita: Of course I'll come to your party! Any party of yours is a party of mine!
EM: As long as there's alcohol.
Lita: Yes! As long as there's alcohol. The drinks are free, right?
PM: <dripping with sarcasm> Oh, yeah. I'm going to serve a lush like you free drinks! I'll be bankrupt in a week!
Lita: <completely missing the sarcasm… or so it would seem> That's great! I'm glad to hear it. Don't know why you'd want to go bankrupt though.
PM: D'oh! Why did I do that?
<Evil Mike points at PM and laughs. Rimmer is looking thoughtful.>
Rimmer: Hey, PM. Maybe I'm just untrusting in general… But are you sure you aren't just throwing this party to steal potential customers away from that new place Tork works at? The HellHole or whatever?
PM: No! Of course not! I would never consider--
EM: The MSTHaunted House.
Rimmer: What?
EM: It's not The HellHole. It's The MSTHaunted House.
Rimmer: Thanks, Evil Mike.
EM: I mean, that's pretty easy to remember.
Rimmer: Yeah, ok.
EM: MSTHaunted House doesn't even sound anything like the HellHole.
Rimmer: Thank you, EM.
EM: I mean, you'd have to be really stupid to--
Rimmer: Will you just zip it?
EM: You can't quiet the voice of the truth-- <Rimmer punches Evil Mike really hard. He shuts up.>
Lita: So! Party! Let's go!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
is always interrupting people.
Next up: PM throws a party, and TSB crashes it
Back to hiatus
Back to main page